What's all this then? Why I am doing this.

I guess this first post is where I explain what this is all about.

The question that has been plaguing my mind for what seems and eternity - Where to begin?

Perhaps a slight painful stroll down memory lane?

My story - aka When the shit hit the fan

X-ray of my right hand

My reflex explanation is to point my titanium enhanced finger at Fall 2007, which is when I severely damaged my right hand when it accidentally made contact with the powerful blades of a tree stump cutter. It ripped the top of my hand open, and the impact broke two bones that were mended via 2 permanent titanium plates. Through many months of painful physio sessions, I luckily managed to regain about 95% of my range.

Where I was not so lucky was with what was going on inside my head: lots of headaches, ruminating thoughts, and severe struggles with sleep. When I initially attempted to explore these problems, I encountered various blocks, and thus found myself easily discouraged. At the hospital where I was receiving treatment for my hand, the only way of getting psychological help required me to have a family doctor, which I did not have at the time. Instead of pursuing this further, I opted for believing that things would somehow get better on their own over time. 

They didn't. 

Making light of a crappy situation

I tried to involve myself as best I could with the various activities and relationships that I enjoyed prior to my accident, but this slowly diminished. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, and I soon began alienating myself from everyone and everything that was once important in my life. I kept clinging to my belief that with sufficient time, everything would fall back into place. I just needed to heal. Thus, instead of exploring the nature of my problems, I found myself overwhelmed by them. My only way of coping with this was by shutting myself out from the rest of the world. Both my sleep and my functionally worsened, and avoidance became my natural reflex. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to month, and months turned to years. 

Looking back on this, it’s difficult for me to rationalize how things played out, largely because my behaviour had become most irrational. I was so miserable and bitter, and I had pretty much accepted that my mental anguish was my destiny – that the future would hold nothing but pain and suffering. Around fall 2010, my health/behaviour had worsened to such a degree where my parents could no longer stay passive. In short, my mother forced me to attend an appointment with her doctor, who then agreed to take me in as a patient. I began taking some medications, and agreed to see a specialist in the late fall. The specialist was from CamH (Centre for Addictions and Mental Health), and he referred me to the 28 day AIM (Alternative Inpatient Milieu) program at their Queen street location. 

As a client at CamH from early 2011 until early 2012, I participated in various programs & group therapy sessions, adjusted medications, and learned a considerable amount about mental health coping strategies. My experience was profound. Prior to CamH, I had no knowledge of such things. One of the most important things that I took from this experience was the understanding of how physical activity can help improve mood disorders. CamH introduced me to Yoga, Tai Chi, and educated me on the benefits of controlled breathing. It was through CamH that I first stepped foot into a YMCA Health & Fitness Centre, which encouraged me to obtain my own membership for continuous usage. While at CamH, I was encouraged to pursue cycling as means of improving my struggles with sleep – a process of trying to tire my body out. All of these things are important tools that I regularly use to cope with my struggles.

While increased physical activity has helped me regain much control of my body, the largest hurdle for me has been with stigma - the negative attitudes and negative behaviours that are commonly associated with mental health. Not knowing what was going on with me, I found it next to impossible to talk about my experience with friends or family. My experiences at CamH were powerful in that they made me realize that I was not alone in my struggle. I now find myself much more comfortable with talking about my mental health, but I have struggled with engaging people outside of the mental health community. Recently, I've come to the realization that not only am I ready to talk about this, but that it is crucial for me to be able to do so in order to move forward with my life. The hardest part for me has been in finding a way to start the process and break my cycle of silence. 

The healing powers of cycling

I want to briefly explain how cycling has become an important tool for regaining control of my life. 

Back in 2008 (when I was finishing the physio treatments for my hand) cycling was suggested to me as an exercise that would help strengthen my hand through the process of curling my fingers around a handlebar. At that point in my life, I had not been on a bike since childhood in the 1980's. I gave it a shot a few times, but that was about it. After the AIM program, I found myself riding much more frequently. The more I rode, the more I learned. I noticed that there were slight improvements with my sleep patterns. Gradually, I started moving from short rides to longer treks of exploration within Toronto. Eventually, these rides branched out throughout Ontario, and even included a problematic trek to attend a friends wedding in Union Pier Michigan.


In conversations with both mental health patients and professionals alike, I found I couldn’t really explain exactly why cycling was effective – I just knew that it worked for me. Here are several pics from the last few years:

Riding back to Toronto from a camp near Huntsville

Enjoying some cycling with a friends bike, visiting

the YMCA in Champaign IL

Taking shortcuts can lead to trouble!

The cockpit of the Tank 2.3

Cycling route to Montreal and back

Ride the Stigma: Cycling as means to break my cycle of silence

Winter 2012/13 was rough, and consisted of my worst regression since prior to my CamH experience. My energy levels were so low, and I slowly found myself getting out of the house less and less. I recognized the signs and the symptoms of relapse, but was still not able to effectively do anything to change things.

At some point, some friends started discussing a spring cycling trip to New York City. Within that group, I met someone who was planning on cycling across Canada in late April. The seed was planted, but honestly seemed like a pipe dream, for a wide range of reasons. This changed in early March, which was when I randomly met Gordon Robb. Back in the summer of 2007, Gordon rode solo from Victoria BC to Halifax NS while raising money for lymphoma. Talking to Gordon was very empowering and encouraging, and it has acted as a catalyst.

Around the same time, it was through my discussions with mental health specialists that I came upon an interesting strategy that would enable me to continue my exploration of sleep improvement via cycling, but also allow me to kick-start the process of openly discussing my mental health struggles. Why not ride across Canada on a bike, and help raise mental health awareness?  

And thus - Ride the Stigma - a self-sustained solo touring exploration trek across Canada - was born.

Besides the above mentioned, one of the largest draws for this trek was that my exposure to the vast geography of Canada has been limited to Ontario and Quebec (a brief flight layover in Calgary does not really count). What better way to experience the rest of the provinces than by travelling by bike? 

Since CamH has played a strong role in my recovery, I decided to use the trek to promote fundraising for mental health via the CamH Foundation. Will link to this once I have it all figured out. As a patient, I am well aware that many mental health initiatives have been limited due to a lack of funding. Honestly - I've learned and gained so much throughout my experiences there, that it would be amazing if my expedition could also help them in the process. 

As a lover of nature, I plan to experience and visit as much as possible. While I am in the process of researching/planning a specific route, I will also be flexible and make adjustments based on information obtained by engaging with local residents. In terms of accommodations, I will be travelling with camping equipment, so I plan on using campgrounds. While visiting urban environments, I will be staying with either friends, or fellow cyclists from the Warm Showers network.

Another portion of this trip will focus on exploring mental health itself, both on a personal and general level. I plan on listening to a wide range of self-help audiobooks, as well as reading various eBooks while I travel. Since I have a strong tech background, I will be using/exploring technology throughout my journey. I will be using my Android based smartphone in various ways throughout the trip - it will be link to the rest of the world. I plan to take many photos, and I plan to blog and use both Twitter and Facebook to document my journey, and share my reflections pertaining to mental health.

My touring bike - The Tank 3.6