Challenges with medication

Many people who struggle with mental health can relate to the challenges that one faces with medications. Such was my experience on Sunday.

On Sundays, I would (when possible) make it for two back to back classes at the West End YMCA - Ashtanga Yoga, followed by Tai Chi. Yesterday,I woke up a little later in the morning than planned, and as such, was in a slight rush to make it for my last Sunday morning session (prior to leaving for this trip). I made it on time, and it was early through John's yoga class that I started to feel something weird - a strong overwhelming feeling of nausea. I knew what it was right off the bat - while rushing in the morning, I must have accidentally taken my morning medication twice. I've made this mistake before, so I am familiar with the feeling of nausea that accompanies doubling up on a Serotonin-Norepineephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI).

Realizing this, and experiencing it while working through a physically challenging yoga class was most strange. Instead of falling into a flow or rhythm, everything seemed all over the place. Both mind and body did not seem to be co-operating. It certainly was neither pleasurable nor comfortable. Many postures just felt like a struggle, and I found at times that I could not keep up. As such, I was forced to limit my attempts, just so I could make it through the class. When class ended, instead of sticking around for Tai Chi, I opted to head home.

In terms of productivity, much of the day was a write off. The timing for this was horrible, as I certainly have much to take care of this week before flying out on Friday.

One thing for certain - this week is going to be crazy busy and stressful. Hopefully I will not encounter any more similar curve balls!

Chariot Bike Hitch Project

While I was repairing my wheel during my training ride to Sarnia, it was suggested to me that I should consider traveling with a bike trailer. The thought had previously crossed my mind, but that was about it. When I returned to Toronto, I decided to see what I could find online. The BOB Yak trailer retails for $369 at MEC. Alas - too rich for my blood! As luck would have it, I found the following listing on craigslist:

Older Chariot bike trailer, Trans-Canada Trail edition. Frame and tires in great shape, some of the fabric on the floor part is failing, and needs repair. Could probably just put a piece of wood or plastic or something. Easy to fix, I just don't have the time.
 

Chariot - Trans Canada Trail Edition

I swiftly responded, and found out that the item in question was located in the east end of Toronto, and that it also lacked the hitch by which I could hook it up to my bike. With that said - the price was right - $30. I made plans to meet on Tuesday, around 5pm. Somewhere near 3pm, the seller sent me an email telling me that she was called to a meeting and would not be able to make it. She informed me that trailer was on her front porch, and that I could check it out without her. If interested, and totally relying on the honour system, I was to leave $30 in her mailbox.

While checking it out, it was pretty clear that this trailer had seen some good action. As mentioned, the floor part was in need of repair, and I also noticed that the wheel axle was bent (wheels not parallel). It obviously needed some tender loving care. Besides that, it just seemed like we were destined to be together - "Trans-Canada Trail edition". So I slipped $30 into the mailbox, hooked up the trailer to my rear rack (using 4 short bungee cords), and rode of with this empty trailer (with barely inflated tires).

The removed wheel, axle all cleaned up and lubricated

I quickly began fixing the trailer up with my dad. The hardest thing was removing the wheels - something that I knew I would have to be able to do if I was going to pack it for my flight. I hunted down the manual, and figured out how the wheels were assembled. We tried everything, but the wheels refused to budge. Eventually, through the combination of heating with a blow torch, and hammering away with fierce determination, did the rusted sub-axle system come apart. It had likely not been taken apart from the day it was put together.

After putting it back together, and obtaining a hitch from Bike Pirates, it was time to give it a test run. I loaded the trailer with all sorts of things to get a feel of what it would be like hauling a heavy load.

Heavy load test - cooler with cinder block, 

milk crate filled with ancient Litho 
encyclopedias, anvil, etc...

Hooked up to my naked bike

The test ride went relatively well, given that the trailer was ridiculously loaded. As such, I have decided to take it with me on the trek. Will finish the patchwork, and will coat the exterior with silicone.

Training Rides

I must say - it will take some getting used to blogging on a regular basis. I am not doing a good job with keeping up. I find I'm often thinking about what I will be posting, but I never seem to find the time to get around to typing. In my defines, I am pretty busy with all sorts of things while preparing for this trek. 

In any case - just wanted to chime in on the various training rides I have been engaging in. 

Besides my regular commute into the city (30km+ per day), I have done a few lengthier runs. Around mid May, I did my first lengthier ride - 140K from Dundalk, ON to Toronto. I went up north with a friend by car, thinking that it was too soon for both directions. I ended up only leaving around 2pm, as we were busy tinkering with some mods for my bike. It seemed like a perfect day for cycling. Not quite. Turns out his place was very much sheltered from the 28km+ wind, which ran directly against me for several hours. It felt quite crappola. As a result, I had to gun it without many rest stops, as I really did not want to ride through the dark. Ended up pulling in at home around 9:30pm, exhausted.

When I woke up the next morning, I cycled over to the YMCA slightly earlier, so I could do some stretches in the steam room before a yoga class. The yoga class was an experience in futility. My muscle tissue was clearly inflamed, and I simply could not get my legs to co-operate. Alas.

My next major training ride was a trek from Toronto to Rochester Hills Michigan. The purpose of this trek was to pick-up a bunch of bike part upgrades that I had purchased months earlier, and had shipped to a friend in Michigan. Also - I wanted to get my muscles conditioned to riding with a heavy load, so I packed heavily (with things I did not need). Just as I was getting ready for my early Monday morning departure, I discovered late Sunday that my passport was going to expire in about a week. As such, bumped the departure date to Tuesday, so I could renew my passport on Monday, and thus have it for my cross-Canada trek (just in case). Unfortunately, this resulted in my no longer having a valid passport (the old one gets clipped), so I could no longer enter the US. Fortunately, my friend agreed to drive things over to Sarnia. This also allowed me to watch Game 7 of the Leafs VS Bruins, which as we all know, ended most bizarrely. In many ways, I'm thankful that I left the next morning - no chance to sulk after such a painful choke.

This trek also served as a opportunity to use the Warm Showers network. I contacted hosts in London and Sarnia, and secured a place to spend the night during my trek. I rode out of Etobicoke along Burnamthrorpe until it ended, then made my way south to Dundas, and rode south-west for a lengthy period. I had never taken this route before, and my GPS seemed to insist that I take something different (that was 40K longer). I persisted. The ride to London was quite cold. I was in fact quite lucky that I did not leave on the Monday, as it was even colder! 

I arrived at my hosts place somewhere around 9:30pm. It was a great experience. My host was originally from Holland, now working in London. We chatted for several hours about a wide range of things. Just before going to bed, I noticed that I had broken a spoke on my rear wheel. I wrapped the broken spoke around the others, and decided I would deal with it in the morning. Fortunately, as my host was an avid cyclist, he had the tools needed to remove my cassette, as well as a replacement spoke. We got the wheel back into relatively decent shape, so I packed up, ready to proceed to Sarnia. 

Spoke breakdown west of London ON

While it was a nice sunny day, the headwind was also strong. Even worse, not far out of London, another spoke broke on my rear wheel. The wheel was in pretty bad shape. I cringed. The irony was that one of the items that I was picking up in Sarnia was a stronger triple-cross wheel-set.

Turns out I was considerably lucky with where I stopped. As I was inspecting my bike, weighing my options, someone pulled into the driveway of the place I was stopped in front of - which was an Animal Care Centre. The driver was Gertie, who owned an operated the centre with her husband. I explained my problem, and she very kindly offered (no doubt quite used to helping out strays) to give me a ride into Strathroy, dropping me off at Doug and Marion's Bike shop. 

When I arrived, Doug (who handled repairs) was busy elsewhere, but Marion was kind enough to let me work on the problem myself. I put my bike into the repair stand, removed my wheel, removed the cassette, and installed a replacement spoke. For anyone who has worked with me at Bike Pirates, it is no secret that my wheel truing skills are mixed at best. I puttered around with my spokes using the truing stand, silently cursing myself for not having a copy of the diagram that I would often use while at Pirates. Fortunately, Doug jumped in and gave me a hand, and had the wheel back in amazing form in lightning fast speed. When I explained my plans to travel across Canada, he highly recommended that I look into obtaining a bike trailer. I loaded things up, and continued my way towards Sarnia.

My hope that the headwind would settle was crushed. It increased to 30K or so against me. This, combined with the spoke delay, posed a serious problem for my intended render-vous with my friend in Sarnia. The plan was for him to drive over the boarder and meet with me right after he finished work. My friend was also in a rush due to other commitments, and could not hang out and wait for me. Both the conditions and the delay made it certain that I would not be able to make it in time. Fortunately, my host in Sarnia (whom I had not yet met) was able to help out big time. He agreed to have my friend meet him at his work, and receive the items. What a life saver! 

I arrived in Sarnia exhausted. As my host had a dodgeball game to play that evening, I opted to unload my bike, and headed to the Sarnia YMCA for some steam-room, sauna, jacuzzi stretches. Words can't describe how good it felt. When I returned, we chatted for a bit, and I soon went to sleep. Did not even have the energy to look over the various items that were dropped off.

Cold setting my frame on a front lawn in Sarnia

The next morning, I looked over things, and began the process of upgrading my bike. The new rear wheel that I obtained had a 135mm hub, and I knew that I would have to "cold set" (stretch) the rear drops of my bike. Fortunately, I had read up on the process from the late great Sheldon Brown, and even practiced on a junk frame from Bike Pirates. With the help of my host, using the awesome power of 2x4, some string, and a ruler, we bent the rear drops, and I installed my new rear wheel. 

My original plan after Sarnia was to head north along Lake Huron, eventually reaching my friends place in Dundalk for the long week-end. While in Sarnia, I realized that MEC's Toronto Bikefest was happening on the Saturday, where I had agreed to volunteer for safety checks. As such, after finishing modifications that afternoon, I packed things up, and headed back to London. I contacted the host I had stayed with previously, and he agreed to take me in for one more night. Amazing. I left Sarnia somewhere around 4pm-ish, and while the wind was not on my back, it was not against me. I made it back to London just before 10pm. 

Heading back to Toronto

The next morning, I left early, knowing that the London to Toronto stretch would be long and more challenging as it was my 4th consecutive day of cycling. When I rode through Woodstock, I could not resist popping into the Woodstock YMCA. Enjoyed some stretches in the co-ed sauna, swam a few laps in the pool, took a shower, then got back on the road. Things felt good for awhile, but after a few hours, I felt like I was dragging bones. Was ecstatic when I made it to Cambridge, and stopped at the Timmie's to fuel up. I opted to take a different route back, which proved to be much more challenging at various points. Eventually, I made it to where Derry Rd. starts, which I rode all the way into Toronto. Good times!

What's all this then? Why I am doing this.

I guess this first post is where I explain what this is all about.

The question that has been plaguing my mind for what seems and eternity - Where to begin?

Perhaps a slight painful stroll down memory lane?

My story - aka When the shit hit the fan

X-ray of my right hand

My reflex explanation is to point my titanium enhanced finger at Fall 2007, which is when I severely damaged my right hand when it accidentally made contact with the powerful blades of a tree stump cutter. It ripped the top of my hand open, and the impact broke two bones that were mended via 2 permanent titanium plates. Through many months of painful physio sessions, I luckily managed to regain about 95% of my range.

Where I was not so lucky was with what was going on inside my head: lots of headaches, ruminating thoughts, and severe struggles with sleep. When I initially attempted to explore these problems, I encountered various blocks, and thus found myself easily discouraged. At the hospital where I was receiving treatment for my hand, the only way of getting psychological help required me to have a family doctor, which I did not have at the time. Instead of pursuing this further, I opted for believing that things would somehow get better on their own over time. 

They didn't. 

Making light of a crappy situation

I tried to involve myself as best I could with the various activities and relationships that I enjoyed prior to my accident, but this slowly diminished. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, and I soon began alienating myself from everyone and everything that was once important in my life. I kept clinging to my belief that with sufficient time, everything would fall back into place. I just needed to heal. Thus, instead of exploring the nature of my problems, I found myself overwhelmed by them. My only way of coping with this was by shutting myself out from the rest of the world. Both my sleep and my functionally worsened, and avoidance became my natural reflex. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to month, and months turned to years. 

Looking back on this, it’s difficult for me to rationalize how things played out, largely because my behaviour had become most irrational. I was so miserable and bitter, and I had pretty much accepted that my mental anguish was my destiny – that the future would hold nothing but pain and suffering. Around fall 2010, my health/behaviour had worsened to such a degree where my parents could no longer stay passive. In short, my mother forced me to attend an appointment with her doctor, who then agreed to take me in as a patient. I began taking some medications, and agreed to see a specialist in the late fall. The specialist was from CamH (Centre for Addictions and Mental Health), and he referred me to the 28 day AIM (Alternative Inpatient Milieu) program at their Queen street location. 

As a client at CamH from early 2011 until early 2012, I participated in various programs & group therapy sessions, adjusted medications, and learned a considerable amount about mental health coping strategies. My experience was profound. Prior to CamH, I had no knowledge of such things. One of the most important things that I took from this experience was the understanding of how physical activity can help improve mood disorders. CamH introduced me to Yoga, Tai Chi, and educated me on the benefits of controlled breathing. It was through CamH that I first stepped foot into a YMCA Health & Fitness Centre, which encouraged me to obtain my own membership for continuous usage. While at CamH, I was encouraged to pursue cycling as means of improving my struggles with sleep – a process of trying to tire my body out. All of these things are important tools that I regularly use to cope with my struggles.

While increased physical activity has helped me regain much control of my body, the largest hurdle for me has been with stigma - the negative attitudes and negative behaviours that are commonly associated with mental health. Not knowing what was going on with me, I found it next to impossible to talk about my experience with friends or family. My experiences at CamH were powerful in that they made me realize that I was not alone in my struggle. I now find myself much more comfortable with talking about my mental health, but I have struggled with engaging people outside of the mental health community. Recently, I've come to the realization that not only am I ready to talk about this, but that it is crucial for me to be able to do so in order to move forward with my life. The hardest part for me has been in finding a way to start the process and break my cycle of silence. 

The healing powers of cycling

I want to briefly explain how cycling has become an important tool for regaining control of my life. 

Back in 2008 (when I was finishing the physio treatments for my hand) cycling was suggested to me as an exercise that would help strengthen my hand through the process of curling my fingers around a handlebar. At that point in my life, I had not been on a bike since childhood in the 1980's. I gave it a shot a few times, but that was about it. After the AIM program, I found myself riding much more frequently. The more I rode, the more I learned. I noticed that there were slight improvements with my sleep patterns. Gradually, I started moving from short rides to longer treks of exploration within Toronto. Eventually, these rides branched out throughout Ontario, and even included a problematic trek to attend a friends wedding in Union Pier Michigan.


In conversations with both mental health patients and professionals alike, I found I couldn’t really explain exactly why cycling was effective – I just knew that it worked for me. Here are several pics from the last few years:

Riding back to Toronto from a camp near Huntsville

Enjoying some cycling with a friends bike, visiting

the YMCA in Champaign IL

Taking shortcuts can lead to trouble!

The cockpit of the Tank 2.3

Cycling route to Montreal and back

Ride the Stigma: Cycling as means to break my cycle of silence

Winter 2012/13 was rough, and consisted of my worst regression since prior to my CamH experience. My energy levels were so low, and I slowly found myself getting out of the house less and less. I recognized the signs and the symptoms of relapse, but was still not able to effectively do anything to change things.

At some point, some friends started discussing a spring cycling trip to New York City. Within that group, I met someone who was planning on cycling across Canada in late April. The seed was planted, but honestly seemed like a pipe dream, for a wide range of reasons. This changed in early March, which was when I randomly met Gordon Robb. Back in the summer of 2007, Gordon rode solo from Victoria BC to Halifax NS while raising money for lymphoma. Talking to Gordon was very empowering and encouraging, and it has acted as a catalyst.

Around the same time, it was through my discussions with mental health specialists that I came upon an interesting strategy that would enable me to continue my exploration of sleep improvement via cycling, but also allow me to kick-start the process of openly discussing my mental health struggles. Why not ride across Canada on a bike, and help raise mental health awareness?  

And thus - Ride the Stigma - a self-sustained solo touring exploration trek across Canada - was born.

Besides the above mentioned, one of the largest draws for this trek was that my exposure to the vast geography of Canada has been limited to Ontario and Quebec (a brief flight layover in Calgary does not really count). What better way to experience the rest of the provinces than by travelling by bike? 

Since CamH has played a strong role in my recovery, I decided to use the trek to promote fundraising for mental health via the CamH Foundation. Will link to this once I have it all figured out. As a patient, I am well aware that many mental health initiatives have been limited due to a lack of funding. Honestly - I've learned and gained so much throughout my experiences there, that it would be amazing if my expedition could also help them in the process. 

As a lover of nature, I plan to experience and visit as much as possible. While I am in the process of researching/planning a specific route, I will also be flexible and make adjustments based on information obtained by engaging with local residents. In terms of accommodations, I will be travelling with camping equipment, so I plan on using campgrounds. While visiting urban environments, I will be staying with either friends, or fellow cyclists from the Warm Showers network.

Another portion of this trip will focus on exploring mental health itself, both on a personal and general level. I plan on listening to a wide range of self-help audiobooks, as well as reading various eBooks while I travel. Since I have a strong tech background, I will be using/exploring technology throughout my journey. I will be using my Android based smartphone in various ways throughout the trip - it will be link to the rest of the world. I plan to take many photos, and I plan to blog and use both Twitter and Facebook to document my journey, and share my reflections pertaining to mental health.

My touring bike - The Tank 3.6